Livin' and Lovin'

      One Year ago this week, I purchased a house. Four weeks later I was left to care for this place alone. I often wonder why. Why did I buy a house? Why wasn’t I told before the purchase, “hey, you might not want to do this, because in a few weeks I am going to leave you?”  Sometimes, and really more often than not I do love my home. Then there are times, like when I’m cleaning up the yard, watering, spraying and praying that the overly ginormous spiders don not try and make a home here as well, I get really angry. REALLY ANGRY!  I was not supposed to buy this house to take care of it alone. It’s too big for just me and Anthony. I cannot afford it on my own.  When I am trouble shooting my friend, the lawn mower, or figuring out where the leak is in the washer or calling someone to look at the furnace, all I can think is WHY?!? All this makes me so mad and takes every ounce of self control to NOT pick up my phone and extend some very angry thoughts to someone.

     My question, also, is what is God’s plan? Why did I end up with this house?  Each day that passes I feel less and less connected to this town.  I came here for him. I love his family, but it’s not the same without him. I am trying to meet new people, but don’t feel a fit. Most of the friends we shared are gone. I went back to my home town a few weekends ago and had the most amazing time with my nieces. I have not laughed so hard and had my heart filled with such love and joy in such a long time. We laid on the sidewalk and star gazed, ate pizza, talked about life, and boys.  Its home with them, but I had to go home to this house and it was so hard to go knowing where I was going.  I miss so much being down the road form everyone there. The ‘hey, I have an appointment can you grab this kid today, and I will take yours next time’ and the ‘you, me, beer, chips, NOW!’  And everything in between.  Sometimes I really want to go home.  And sometimes I am really glad to be away from there. It’s a battle I’ll likely go through forever.

  It’s been an eye opening month I guess.  I find I am doing more than I thought I would be 10 months ago. If you told me 10 months ago that I would wake up and go to bed happy almost every day, that I would be a barista in a coffee house, that I would be genuinely content with most all aspects of my life, or that someone would tell me I am a strong woman and I would believe them, I would have laughed and thought ya right! Still not fully on board with the strong part, but most days I see it.

   I am still a work in progress and try to keep going outside of my comfort zone and meet new people and hold on tight to the ones I have. I try to find a piece of joy in everyday. Living and loving, cause why not!?  

A Time to Wait

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Waiting, something I know plenty about, and a word that has been lingering for a few days and hit me like a soft brick this morning.  I got up early, mostly because I was panicked about my new hair color, and looked in the mirror and liked it about ten times more than when I went to bed, Thank God!  But I couldn't fall back to sleep so I turned on K Love and the D.J.'s were talking about times of waiting.  Then I went to the bathroom for the morning routine, shower, makeup, hair, and this song came on;

http://youtu.be/cH9LhNrXhFo

Then I got on Facebook and the first thing was a blog about Waiting on God's timing. Yep, soft brick!  I've been praying for His timing for certain things in my life, and have felt He has finally starting putting some things into place. I have a couple things coming up this month that I am praying will open some doors for me. I think my time of waiting is coming to an end. And the doors that are opening may not all be things I would have seen myself doing, ever. But not all change is bad, and new experiences are not necessarily bad ones. I am praying with these new things that God will give me an open heart and mind and I will not be so hesitant to let people in! Gods plans for me I know are bigger than mine, and I am diving in whole heartedly, and fully expecting amazing things for the end of this year!

That’s right 2014! You have not won yet! You have been quite the jerk, but it’s not over! And you will not go down as the worst year ever! I won’t let you!! I’m taking my life by the horns and anything/one that gets in God and my way better watch out!! J

Grace...

I have been thinking about this a lot. I am told several times on a bi-weekly basis by my counselor “you need to give yourself some grace in that!”  Grace, in how I handle a lot of things.

  My struggle this week is being angry, and misdirection. My counselor said she wants to start discussing the stigma of divorce and well, me.  The fact is the word alone makes me mad,  when she said she wants to discuss this subject I got mad,  and I do not want to talk about it and have already thought up 100 reasons to miss my next appointment! I feel I am doing fairly well not thinking about it and pretending like the word alone doesn’t destroy a part of me, let alone discussing the subject and how it directly affects me.   I mean really, do I pay her for this?  Ok, I know this is exactly what I pay her for; I’m just not sure I’m ready to get into it.

  There is a stigma attached to that word. I realized it a couple weeks ago when I was listening to a message about Jesus and Divorce. I thought the message was good, but couldn’t get past the God hates divorce part. I have been struggling with these 3 words for several months now. I know there are ‘exceptions’ to this statement, but I also know the amount of faith and hope I placed on just the opposite of what actually happened in my life. Because if this I have misdirected a lot of anger to God and, even though I know He has this all under control, and knows better than me what is best for me, I still struggle with the why not us?  

  I know, because I have seen, and hear all the time of how God changes lives. How marriages are restored, broken relationships healed, and families reunited. I have seen firsthand how God can turn what seems to be a hopeless situation into 30+ years of marriage. I have seen addicts be freed from the bondage. I hear people’s testimonies of what are virtual miracles on a daily basis, and am left questioning what did I do wrong?  I know my crimes, and yet get mad because I am not sure the punishment quite fits. 

   In the upcoming week, as I perfect my escape plan for this appointment, I know that I will walk through those doors and start that conversation. I don’t want to dig into it, but know it will help with the healing process. I will need to practice this grace thing I’m sure.  I am positive this will be a lifelong practice

When is Enough Enough?

This life I am living is not mine. There is no way. No way there is so much pain surrounding so many I care about. I know I’m good at focusing on my own obvious situation, but Ill leave that out for today.

   I have so many friends dealing with huge life changing, even life and death situations. When will it stop? It is almost as things with me in a sense are at a plateau, and everyone else is at the start of the massive chaos I am just coming out of.

    How does one take care of a baby and a very ill parent all at the same time? Who imagines at the same time they are bringing in life they are helping another fight for theirs?  One minute a diaper the next a colostomy bag. One day you are celebrating the joy of new life, the next you learn one is in a massive fight for theirs, and both need you.  Need you to be what? Superwoman?  For how long?

   What about when you are in a fight with a parent or friend? Then you learn there is a life and death operation. What if your last exchange of words, that may not have been a pleasant exchange, are the last? How do you repair a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel they have done wrong, when you are hurting because of their words or actions?  Will there be healing before it’s too late?

   What about the mothers fighting for life? The mom’s who want to see their daughters at their prom. Their sons on their first dates.  Their graduation days. College. Weddings. Grandbabies. When will there be a cure for this deadly disease. An easy cure, not being gutted then blasted with radiation and chemo. Not only does one lose their health, but the cost of trying to live is everything you own, because medical care costs are outrageous! As if being sick wasn’t cost enough.

   What happened to for better or worse, sickness and health, forsaking all others, till death do us part? When did marriage become disposable? One spouse messes up and all our friends and family jump in and say get out. She will never change, he will never forgive you. What he did will ruin you and your children’s lives.  He is a cheater. She is a drunk.  I can’t change. I failed. I quit.   Someone made a comment that he saw an elderly couple at the store. He wanted to ask how they made it so long. I’m not sure, but I would guess that the answer could be because neither one of us gave up.  Why are we giving up? When did we stop trying?

   What if we all just gave up? Children would be orphaned. Marriage would not last. Families would be nonexistent. There would be no real friendships.  

   How do we see all this pain, illness, and broken relationships and get through it? When does it end? How long will it be until there is no chaos, no more tears, and no more loneliness?   We are to put our trust in God. If He brings us to it, He will bring us through it. I believe it. God knows what is best for us. I know.    Proverbs 3: 5-6 Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.   I’m trusting.  It’s hard.  When will enough be enough?

 

    Father I pray for those hurting today. The ones with complicated relationships, the ones with loved ones who are ill, for those fighting for life, Father bring healing, comfort and peace. Help us to see your will in all the things we are going through. Forgive us when we get angry and take it out on you. Forgive us for not casting our cares on you and trying to carry the load all on our own. Help us to know how to give it to you and walk away, to let go and let God as they say. Thank you for not giving up on us, for never leaving us alone, for carrying us through the hard times.  Love you!  ~Amen~

Gave it Away....

Some people understand breakups, heartache and even divorce. I’m not sure all fully understand my unique...ish situation.  Some of you know most, but maybe not all. So I am going to share some really personal information that will possibly shed a little light on my crazy emotions.

   You see, I am this shy, and introverted girl. I am a homebody, but do enjoy a night out, just not every night, and not really every weekend.  I am one who has more fingers on my hands than I can say I have real close friends. I am ok with this. I think I am better off with a few I know I can trust any and everything with, rather than have a hundred I wouldn’t give a house key to. 

   When I was 12 ish a boy came into my life, and little did I know I would never be the same. I fell in love.  I didn’t know what that meant then, but we grew together. We went through puberty together, he taught me to drive a stick shift, and well, everything else. At 14 I shared my first kiss with him. At 16 there was other stuff. At 18 we got married. Sure there were a few break ups, but for me, there were no other boyfriends. No other first kisses with anyone else. Well there was a drunken peck with a friend, but that, well ya, I do not count that! Lol!  No anything with anyone else. Oh, and before him, there was a ‘boyfriend’, we held hands, but I was way too scared to kiss him! So, now here I am at 30 something, and have only been kiss kissed by one man, one peck by another and some hand holding.  Yep. 

  Now I am single. Now one day, if I do not want to go through the rest of this life alone, I will need to date. I don’t know how to date! I will have to eventually kiss someone. What if I suck at kissing? And I do not even want to mention the other stuff!    I wonder who would want to date me. I’m short and squishy with a decent chest, and NO butt. I have an awful tan line and a bazillion stretch marks. I still have acne! Not like a crater face or anything, but still when does this stuff go away?!   I have morals, and am not easy. I have been hurt badly and am very insecure. I have a house and a car.   I have a dog and two cats. I have a son.   Who would want this mess? 

  I’m a wreck. It’s the week of our anniversary. 14 years we were almost married. Now what?  I still wonder if he misses me even half as much as I miss him. I wonder if it is him I really miss, or if I miss the companionship. A body next to me at night. The safety he gave me. I was not alone. The noises at night weren’t so noisy. The house wasn’t so empty. But, that’s all he was, a body. He wasn’t here, he left long before he moved out. I was too blind to see it.

   I do not really know if there is a point to any of this, but maybe it will help you understand why. Why I am still hanging on to my insane what if’s. Why I am so afraid. Why I still get mad and cry.  The only words that come to mind are from the movie Sweet Home Alabama, “The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back.”   I don’t know if I will ever get it back, and that scares me.  A lot.

Sympathy?? No thank you!

I was advised that someone I know sees my Blogs are a cry for attention and that I am looking for sympathy, and maybe you are that person, or maybe you agree with this person. Well, I regret to inform you and/or this person they couldn’t be more wrong. I have never once wanted sympathy or pity from anyone. The looks I get are enough to make me want to literally jump off a cliff.  I need no one to feel sorry for me, NO ONE!

  Now empathy, that’s another story and maybe this person should learn the difference. Just in case one may be confused on the difference, I’ll share the textbook definition of both. 

         Sympathy…feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune       

         Empathy…the ability to understand and share the feelings of another

 

  In other words, I do not want you to feel sorry FOR me, I simply want you to feel WITH me and understand where I am coming from. To understand, not pity.  I write because I know that some have the exact feelings as me, and just do not know how to explain, or feel they are alone in their feelings until they read what I wrote and see, maybe they are not so alone. I write not just so others can feel with me, but so others know I am feeling with them.

 

   I suppose this can be considered a disclaimer for an upcoming post I have wrote and delete about a dozen times because it is hard to explain the feelings I currently have.  So, please understand I do not want your pity. I am not seeking the attention of others or looking for someone to reach out to me in my time of need or whatever. I am simply empathizing and going through these feelings with someone. It may be you, it may not be.  All I ask is for understanding and not criticism and judgment.  If it is you who is going through these feelings with me, know you are not alone, and anytime you need to talk I am here. I may not have the right things to say, but I have good ears, and sometimes that is all a person needs, is someone to just listen and understand.

Tripping....

     So,  I have had a lot on my mind this week.  A lot of things going on all around me.  Major life changing events.   Cancer. Cardiac procedures. Arrests. Betrayal.  Heart break.

    It's hard to not only have front row seats to see my family and friends go through things that seem so impossible,  but feeling so helpless when all you want to do is help.  Someone said all 'I can do is pray for them' when he too was expressing how helpless he feels.  Pray.

     I have been praying a lot, A LOT, over the past few months and really intensely at times.  I'm sorry to say I have felt it to be in vain at times. Sometimes I see the answer.  Others it has just felt like an out right "No!"

  I do not know how to handle the "No!" I understand sometimes God removes certain people and removes us from certain situations because He knows beget than I. I also in my human head know that there are people who have received the very same miracles I feel turned down from. 

   I have prayed for others and have seen answers there, a yes.  Is that because of my faith or theirs? 
  
    Have I received a"No!" In the areas I feel defeated or am I  supposed to keep asking and waiting? 

    With these thoughts in mind I tripped over this blog;

 

 http://theprayingwoman.com/2013/01/18/have-you-been-waiting-for-god-to-answer/ 

Maybe that's my answer?  Is just like God to put something like this under my feet to trip me up, to catch my attention, help me get back on track when I am straying away in the wrong direction.

Just Stop

 So, here I am. One week single. Eight months alone. One 'not married' box already checked. When does it stop hurting? When do I move on? When do I get over it?  I keep feeling moments of hurt. Moments of loneliness. Moments of longing. I don’t know why. I am beginning to think I need to keep certain feelings to myself , the one I pay to listen, and God. I’m starting to feel like a wet blanket. Like I’m not moving on as quick as I should. I do not know how I am supposed to feel. How I am supposed to just let go. How I am supposed to not let certain comments get to me.

 

   What does moving on look like? Will a random one night stand be the cure all? Or how about a relationship with someone to keep my mind off the other one?  A relationship I have no intention of making long term, you know the rebound guy. The guy who may care a lot about me, but I have no intention of caring for. Is that fair for either party? 

 

      Why when I ask God to make the feelings go away nothing changes? Why when I have dreams about my future is he there? I’ve had many dreams where strangers are involved or, well, Channing Tatum, but not like these. They are different. Very real. I do not control my dreams. So what’s the deal? This seems cruel to me.

 

   What about the other stuff that goes with moving on?  I do not know how to date.  I don't want to date.  I don't know how to kiss anyone else.  I might not be good at it.  What about way down the road,  how do I even think of someone touching me like only he has? I don't want to be alone,  but I'm scared of what it takes to find a partner in life. I am scared I'll die alone. I'm scared I'll get hurt again.

 

  When does the disappointment stop?  When will I stop being so mad about all of this?  I'm mad I have to date.  I'm mad I have to pay for my own health insurance,  (the form that asked if I was married). I'm mad I bought a house and car.  I'm mad that people don't understand how I feel and make me feel like a wet blanket.  

 

   What about this stupid heart? Why does it pound out of my chest when he is around? Doesn’t it know all that pain it has felt in the past several years was because of him?  Why wont it stop?  Just stop.

 

Just Crystal

Just Crystal        

In less than 72 hours I will no longer be married. When I check that little box on paperwork I no longer check the one that says married. I am no longer Mrs. I am not Adam and Crystal.  I am just Crystal.  I don’t know how, still after 8 months, to be just Crystal.

Just Crystal is sad and lonely.  Sure she has friends, AMAZING friends. Sure she has family, they too are pretty amazing. BUT (yes, there is always a but). But Just Crystal had dreams when she was little, when she was Roger and Bev’s daughter or Zac and Uriah’s sister. 

Little Crystal dreamed of marriage, babies, and well, cats!  Little Crystal wanted a family. Sure she talked of being a teacher and career options, but mostly that’s because all your life you are asked what you want to be when you grow up, and I didn’t think wife and mommy were acceptable career choices to the ones asking. I was to go to college and do something AND be wife and mommy.  Now the secret is out, when I was home with Anthony, not working, taking care of my boys, I was living my dream.  I went and worked, because, well I like stuff, and I messed up and let stuff be more important than my dream.

Teen Crystal had the same dream. She met a boy who seemed to adore her. He drove miles to see her as often as he could. He bought her random presents. A teddy bear on our first date. Earrings for my 13^th birthday, even though I had recently ‘dumped’ him. Blindfolded drives to go eat strawberries and drink sparkling cider at the park at sunset on a blanket. She found the one who would share in her dream to be wife and mommy.

At 18 I married him. I was so happy and in love. The wedding was not something to brag about, but I went with whatever, all I cared about was who was waiting at the end of the isle, and telling the world how much I love him and plan to for life.

20 days short of 14 years later my Always and Forever is done. And the only death that occurred was my ability to trust I can ever love like this again.

It has been asked how I still hold on to this hope for change? How many times can I forgive? I don’t know. I guess it’s the moments where he looks in my eyes and the man I love is there. I don’t see him often, but he is there, and I love him so much. As far as forgiveness goes, I suppose as long as I’m asking God for His I will be giving mine. Some see this as my weakness, and yes, I agree it does make me a bit of a door mat to be trampled on.  But how can I ask God to give me something I’m not willing to give?  I try my best to avoid those who require more forgiveness than others, because well, I hurt. I know by having certain people in my life I am asking to be hurt. I also believe that people can change. I have changed.   I am always changing.

I do not know what my future self looks like. Just Crystal is not sure about her dreams anymore. It’s hard to recover from crushed dreams. I still think the dream is still there, well, not really the plural part as far as babies go! I have one, and he is perfect the way he is, and I don’t know what I would do with a baby at this time in my life.  But as far as being a wife again? Maybe one day. I don’t know. When I think or have dreams about my future, Adam is still there. Maybe he always will be. Maybe I will be with him again one day down the road. Maybe I will always be ‘Just Crystal’, only God knows, and time will tell.  Until then, I ask anyone who is reading, please pray for me. I have to walk in those doors in a couple days, and I’m terrified!

 

I Lied…A little

   I have been asked a lot why I would be taking a sabbatical from Facebook.  Probably by people who are curious about what could be the newest drama in my life. No worries, no drama (involving Facebook). It has been all of 4 ½ days, with the exception of about 4 minutes, this weekend that I have been on the site.   The story, which is not all non-truth, is that I am on way too much and need to walk away for a minute, and I need to also prove to myself I really can live without it.  Well, I need to come clean and share the full truth.

   The full truth is, I am fasting.  Fasting, for me, is not always involving food.  Fasting for me is giving up something that has been like an idol of some sort in my life.  So, week after week I will be fasting these things that I have let be too important to me.  So, for the first two weeks of my fast I let go Facebook and pop, specifically Mt. Dew.  These two items consume my body and thoughts in more way than one, and I am putting them aside for now. 

  Other things I will give up will include TV and candy, any junk food really! Candy? Yes! It’s bad, I’m like a child! I have a love for skittles and red vines, well any licorice for that matter. I enjoy a bag of popcorn with a side of queso to dip it in (don’t knock it until you try it). I am about one visit away from being known by name at KFC because the cookie dough ice cream is so yummy!  I think by any full body pictures you can find of me, especially about a year ago, it is obvious I have a great relationship with food.

   This fast is not just to give things up to prove I can. This is fasting and praying. It is a spiritual journey. I have read a lot about fasting and it is usually associated with food. But why isolate it to that? I feel I have other things in my life coming between me and my spiritual growth that I need to put aside, or fast. I will not say I am giving up these things, just taking a healthy break and re-evaluating our relationships.

   I have read up lot on fasting and it is known to be one of the most powerful spiritual disciplines.    I am going through a lot in life and have come to learn that when I have felt so alone, and like I have no one to turn to, God is the best friend I have. I never feel any judgment, embarrassment or shame when I come to him with an honest open heart.  I do not have to explain things over and again, because He gets it.   I am in a crossroads, and feel I am plateauing in my spiritual walk, so I’m stepping it up, I don’t want to fall off to the wayside again.  This is the one thing that I know will give me the strength and courage to be the woman I am supposed to be.  To be truly and fully happy.

Obedience

Obedience

      Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you?  Like 6:46

 

   So, a few weeks after Adam left, I found God on my bathroom floor in a moment of extreme despair.    And since that moment I have been trying my best to listen and obey. I ask and in return I try to do what is asked of me.  I have found that asking and expecting to not have to do anything in return is not fair. 

   I have been shown God’s presence and He has had a way of letting me know my prayers are not falling on deaf ears. We had a night the wind was blowing ridiculously hard. My windows were rattling so hard, and I was afraid. I prayed to please make it stop to please not let any damage fall on my home.  Within minutes my windows stop rattling, but I could still hear the wind. It was like it was going on around my home rather than through it.   I have prayed for peace, and find that this is the first time I have live essentially alone, and I have not been afraid in my home since, with the exception of the night of the great Greeley earthquake.

   So all in all God has been hearing and answering prayer. So when I ask Him what I can do, what I need to do, how do I repay? Half ass, full heart and good intention. I first felt the day of the week that matches any meetings at the court house I need to spend fasting and praying. For the most part this has been a success. I have had a couple of imperfect days, but God and I talked about it.  The other thing I clearly heard Him to tell me to do, I have failed. Why? I guess this involves the fact that I am human, scared, insecure, and ashamed. 

  What is the other thing? Well, maybe I lost my mind a couple months ago, and maybe it never came back, but as clear as the face to face conversation you had earlier today with a co-worker or family member, I heard Him tell me to wear my ring.  So I put it on a necklace. That last a day and I said I did it, now what? He said no, wear your ring! So I did, well I took it a step further and wore his with mine. I did that a couple weeks. I saw the looks on people’s faces, felt eyes on my finger and was ashamed.  Embarrassed.  Why would I want to wear a ring that represents promises that have been broken? A marriage that is headed toward divorce? From a man who destroyed me, who crushed the very life I thought I would have for ‘Always and Forever?’  Why?   I wore it because God wanted me to trust Him and I let these thoughts and looks and feelings take over and I took it off.  Ever since, He has been laying it on my heart to put it back on. I dream about my ring. I see it and feel the tug in my heart.  So today I put it back on. I will obey and I will wear this until this divorce is final. This may or may not be about the marriage itself, but my part in the vows I spoke. I made a promise, and will wear this ring until it is over. Because I want to know I did what I said I would do. I also need to show God I trust Him, and I am willing to obey, even if it means my friends, family, and co-workers judging my actions. I don’t care what they think in regard to this particular matter. I will not have to answer to them.  I answer to Him, everyday.

My So Called Life...

My So Called Life...


   So, obviously a lot has happened in life, in my so called life, in the last few years. I'm really not going to get into the past, just focus on what I am going through today. I'll have to give a little background so you know how I got here, but mostly will be in the present.
   I feel my current status and daily feelings maybe hard for some of my even closest friends to understand these days, and I'm thinking if I lay it out, not only will it get things out of my head but give you a deeper understanding of me.  Also, there may be a reader or two in similar situations who may find comfort in knowing they are not alone in their feelings, and who knows I may inspire one or two....maybe.
  I do not want my return to blogging blog to be a really long one, so I will give a general background, and as the days go on we can really get into this.
  As most of my close friends and family (and a few extended) know, I am in the middle of a divorce.  I have been with my childhood sweetheart, as they call them, for more than half of my life, and now, for the first time in life I am on my own...ish.  I will explain the beginning the middle and you all can help me through the end of this life changing event.
  I imagine there are a couple of you rolling your eyes. Probably think this is some sort of cry for attention or a really bad idea for me to put it all out there, but I feel I need to do this, and if you do  not agree with it,  don't read any of my following post.
  If anyone is reading looking for me to talk crap about him, your not going to find what you are looking for, and if your looking for new juicy gossip, you will not find that here either.  I have no intention of dragging Adam through the mud. That is not what this is about, sorry. 
   So I have the intentions and disclaimers all out of the way, so, soon we will get this journey under way.