Just Crystal

Just Crystal        

In less than 72 hours I will no longer be married. When I check that little box on paperwork I no longer check the one that says married. I am no longer Mrs. I am not Adam and Crystal.  I am just Crystal.  I don’t know how, still after 8 months, to be just Crystal.

Just Crystal is sad and lonely.  Sure she has friends, AMAZING friends. Sure she has family, they too are pretty amazing. BUT (yes, there is always a but). But Just Crystal had dreams when she was little, when she was Roger and Bev’s daughter or Zac and Uriah’s sister. 

Little Crystal dreamed of marriage, babies, and well, cats!  Little Crystal wanted a family. Sure she talked of being a teacher and career options, but mostly that’s because all your life you are asked what you want to be when you grow up, and I didn’t think wife and mommy were acceptable career choices to the ones asking. I was to go to college and do something AND be wife and mommy.  Now the secret is out, when I was home with Anthony, not working, taking care of my boys, I was living my dream.  I went and worked, because, well I like stuff, and I messed up and let stuff be more important than my dream.

Teen Crystal had the same dream. She met a boy who seemed to adore her. He drove miles to see her as often as he could. He bought her random presents. A teddy bear on our first date. Earrings for my 13^th birthday, even though I had recently ‘dumped’ him. Blindfolded drives to go eat strawberries and drink sparkling cider at the park at sunset on a blanket. She found the one who would share in her dream to be wife and mommy.

At 18 I married him. I was so happy and in love. The wedding was not something to brag about, but I went with whatever, all I cared about was who was waiting at the end of the isle, and telling the world how much I love him and plan to for life.

20 days short of 14 years later my Always and Forever is done. And the only death that occurred was my ability to trust I can ever love like this again.

It has been asked how I still hold on to this hope for change? How many times can I forgive? I don’t know. I guess it’s the moments where he looks in my eyes and the man I love is there. I don’t see him often, but he is there, and I love him so much. As far as forgiveness goes, I suppose as long as I’m asking God for His I will be giving mine. Some see this as my weakness, and yes, I agree it does make me a bit of a door mat to be trampled on.  But how can I ask God to give me something I’m not willing to give?  I try my best to avoid those who require more forgiveness than others, because well, I hurt. I know by having certain people in my life I am asking to be hurt. I also believe that people can change. I have changed.   I am always changing.

I do not know what my future self looks like. Just Crystal is not sure about her dreams anymore. It’s hard to recover from crushed dreams. I still think the dream is still there, well, not really the plural part as far as babies go! I have one, and he is perfect the way he is, and I don’t know what I would do with a baby at this time in my life.  But as far as being a wife again? Maybe one day. I don’t know. When I think or have dreams about my future, Adam is still there. Maybe he always will be. Maybe I will be with him again one day down the road. Maybe I will always be ‘Just Crystal’, only God knows, and time will tell.  Until then, I ask anyone who is reading, please pray for me. I have to walk in those doors in a couple days, and I’m terrified!