I have
been thinking about this a lot. I am told several times on a bi-weekly basis by
my counselor “you need to give yourself some grace in that!” Grace, in how I handle a lot of things.
My struggle this week is being angry, and
misdirection. My counselor said she wants to start discussing the stigma of
divorce and well, me. The fact is the
word alone makes me mad, when she said
she wants to discuss this subject I got mad, and I do not want to talk about it and have
already thought up 100 reasons to miss my next appointment! I feel I am doing
fairly well not thinking about it and pretending like the word alone doesn’t destroy
a part of me, let alone discussing the subject and how it directly affects me. I mean really, do I pay her for this? Ok, I know this is exactly what I pay her for;
I’m just not sure I’m ready to get into it.
There is a stigma attached to that word. I
realized it a couple weeks ago when I was listening to a message about Jesus
and Divorce. I thought the message was good, but couldn’t get past the God
hates divorce part. I have been struggling with these 3 words for several
months now. I know there are ‘exceptions’ to this statement, but I also know
the amount of faith and hope I placed on just the opposite of what actually happened
in my life. Because if this I have misdirected a lot of anger to God and, even
though I know He has this all under control, and knows better than me what is
best for me, I still struggle with the why not us?
I know, because I have seen, and hear all the
time of how God changes lives. How marriages are restored, broken relationships
healed, and families reunited. I have seen firsthand how God can turn what
seems to be a hopeless situation into 30+ years of marriage. I have seen
addicts be freed from the bondage. I hear people’s testimonies of what are
virtual miracles on a daily basis, and am left questioning what did I do
wrong? I know my crimes, and yet get mad
because I am not sure the punishment quite fits.
In the
upcoming week, as I perfect my escape plan for this appointment, I know that I
will walk through those doors and start that conversation. I don’t want to dig
into it, but know it will help with the healing process. I will need to
practice this grace thing I’m sure. I am
positive this will be a lifelong practice
You're a very strong individual and I have faith that you will be healed. It's coming face to face with the issues that cause us the greatest pain that allows the healing to begin. Philippians 4:13 is a perfect reminder that you will get through even the discussion on that very hated topic. I love you, I appreciate everything about you, and will see you soon I hope.
ReplyDelete