Gave it Away....

Some people understand breakups, heartache and even divorce. I’m not sure all fully understand my unique...ish situation.  Some of you know most, but maybe not all. So I am going to share some really personal information that will possibly shed a little light on my crazy emotions.

   You see, I am this shy, and introverted girl. I am a homebody, but do enjoy a night out, just not every night, and not really every weekend.  I am one who has more fingers on my hands than I can say I have real close friends. I am ok with this. I think I am better off with a few I know I can trust any and everything with, rather than have a hundred I wouldn’t give a house key to. 

   When I was 12 ish a boy came into my life, and little did I know I would never be the same. I fell in love.  I didn’t know what that meant then, but we grew together. We went through puberty together, he taught me to drive a stick shift, and well, everything else. At 14 I shared my first kiss with him. At 16 there was other stuff. At 18 we got married. Sure there were a few break ups, but for me, there were no other boyfriends. No other first kisses with anyone else. Well there was a drunken peck with a friend, but that, well ya, I do not count that! Lol!  No anything with anyone else. Oh, and before him, there was a ‘boyfriend’, we held hands, but I was way too scared to kiss him! So, now here I am at 30 something, and have only been kiss kissed by one man, one peck by another and some hand holding.  Yep. 

  Now I am single. Now one day, if I do not want to go through the rest of this life alone, I will need to date. I don’t know how to date! I will have to eventually kiss someone. What if I suck at kissing? And I do not even want to mention the other stuff!    I wonder who would want to date me. I’m short and squishy with a decent chest, and NO butt. I have an awful tan line and a bazillion stretch marks. I still have acne! Not like a crater face or anything, but still when does this stuff go away?!   I have morals, and am not easy. I have been hurt badly and am very insecure. I have a house and a car.   I have a dog and two cats. I have a son.   Who would want this mess? 

  I’m a wreck. It’s the week of our anniversary. 14 years we were almost married. Now what?  I still wonder if he misses me even half as much as I miss him. I wonder if it is him I really miss, or if I miss the companionship. A body next to me at night. The safety he gave me. I was not alone. The noises at night weren’t so noisy. The house wasn’t so empty. But, that’s all he was, a body. He wasn’t here, he left long before he moved out. I was too blind to see it.

   I do not really know if there is a point to any of this, but maybe it will help you understand why. Why I am still hanging on to my insane what if’s. Why I am so afraid. Why I still get mad and cry.  The only words that come to mind are from the movie Sweet Home Alabama, “The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back.”   I don’t know if I will ever get it back, and that scares me.  A lot.