So, here I am. One week single. Eight months alone. One 'not married' box already checked. When does it stop hurting? When do I move on? When do I get over it? I keep feeling moments of hurt. Moments of loneliness. Moments of longing. I don’t know why. I am beginning to think I need to keep certain feelings to myself , the one I pay to listen, and God. I’m starting to feel like a wet blanket. Like I’m not moving on as quick as I should. I do not know how I am supposed to feel. How I am supposed to just let go. How I am supposed to not let certain comments get to me.
What does moving on look like? Will a random one night stand be the cure all? Or how about a relationship with someone to keep my mind off the other one? A relationship I have no intention of making long term, you know the rebound guy. The guy who may care a lot about me, but I have no intention of caring for. Is that fair for either party?
Why when I ask God to make the feelings go away nothing changes? Why when I have dreams about my future is he there? I’ve had many dreams where strangers are involved or, well, Channing Tatum, but not like these. They are different. Very real. I do not control my dreams. So what’s the deal? This seems cruel to me.
What about the other stuff that goes with moving on? I do not know how to date. I don't want to date. I don't know how to kiss anyone else. I might not be good at it. What about way down the road, how do I even think of someone touching me like only he has? I don't want to be alone, but I'm scared of what it takes to find a partner in life. I am scared I'll die alone. I'm scared I'll get hurt again.
When does the disappointment stop? When will I stop being so mad about all of this? I'm mad I have to date. I'm mad I have to pay for my own health insurance, (the form that asked if I was married). I'm mad I bought a house and car. I'm mad that people don't understand how I feel and make me feel like a wet blanket.
What about this stupid heart? Why does it pound out of my chest when he is around? Doesn’t it know all that pain it has felt in the past several years was because of him? Why wont it stop? Just stop.
A:) You are not, nor will you ever be a wet blanket.
ReplyDeleteB;) This is your journey. Nobody has the answers for you.
C:) Faith is hard. Oh it is so hard, but the rewards; in HIS time, are worth the battle.
D:) You have healing to do...a lifetime of healing to get through before the hurts melt away.
E:) If anybody makes you feel like a wet blanket then you don't need them in your life...walk away or cut ties for a while. Even if that person has been a part of your life for ever...do not allow any single person make you feel less than. Do not allow anybody make you feel inferior.
F:)Love yourself before you begin to attempt to love another person. (other than the boy) self love comes from the inside not somebody from the outside.