Obedience

Obedience

      Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you?  Like 6:46

 

   So, a few weeks after Adam left, I found God on my bathroom floor in a moment of extreme despair.    And since that moment I have been trying my best to listen and obey. I ask and in return I try to do what is asked of me.  I have found that asking and expecting to not have to do anything in return is not fair. 

   I have been shown God’s presence and He has had a way of letting me know my prayers are not falling on deaf ears. We had a night the wind was blowing ridiculously hard. My windows were rattling so hard, and I was afraid. I prayed to please make it stop to please not let any damage fall on my home.  Within minutes my windows stop rattling, but I could still hear the wind. It was like it was going on around my home rather than through it.   I have prayed for peace, and find that this is the first time I have live essentially alone, and I have not been afraid in my home since, with the exception of the night of the great Greeley earthquake.

   So all in all God has been hearing and answering prayer. So when I ask Him what I can do, what I need to do, how do I repay? Half ass, full heart and good intention. I first felt the day of the week that matches any meetings at the court house I need to spend fasting and praying. For the most part this has been a success. I have had a couple of imperfect days, but God and I talked about it.  The other thing I clearly heard Him to tell me to do, I have failed. Why? I guess this involves the fact that I am human, scared, insecure, and ashamed. 

  What is the other thing? Well, maybe I lost my mind a couple months ago, and maybe it never came back, but as clear as the face to face conversation you had earlier today with a co-worker or family member, I heard Him tell me to wear my ring.  So I put it on a necklace. That last a day and I said I did it, now what? He said no, wear your ring! So I did, well I took it a step further and wore his with mine. I did that a couple weeks. I saw the looks on people’s faces, felt eyes on my finger and was ashamed.  Embarrassed.  Why would I want to wear a ring that represents promises that have been broken? A marriage that is headed toward divorce? From a man who destroyed me, who crushed the very life I thought I would have for ‘Always and Forever?’  Why?   I wore it because God wanted me to trust Him and I let these thoughts and looks and feelings take over and I took it off.  Ever since, He has been laying it on my heart to put it back on. I dream about my ring. I see it and feel the tug in my heart.  So today I put it back on. I will obey and I will wear this until this divorce is final. This may or may not be about the marriage itself, but my part in the vows I spoke. I made a promise, and will wear this ring until it is over. Because I want to know I did what I said I would do. I also need to show God I trust Him, and I am willing to obey, even if it means my friends, family, and co-workers judging my actions. I don’t care what they think in regard to this particular matter. I will not have to answer to them.  I answer to Him, everyday.