Just Stop

 So, here I am. One week single. Eight months alone. One 'not married' box already checked. When does it stop hurting? When do I move on? When do I get over it?  I keep feeling moments of hurt. Moments of loneliness. Moments of longing. I don’t know why. I am beginning to think I need to keep certain feelings to myself , the one I pay to listen, and God. I’m starting to feel like a wet blanket. Like I’m not moving on as quick as I should. I do not know how I am supposed to feel. How I am supposed to just let go. How I am supposed to not let certain comments get to me.

 

   What does moving on look like? Will a random one night stand be the cure all? Or how about a relationship with someone to keep my mind off the other one?  A relationship I have no intention of making long term, you know the rebound guy. The guy who may care a lot about me, but I have no intention of caring for. Is that fair for either party? 

 

      Why when I ask God to make the feelings go away nothing changes? Why when I have dreams about my future is he there? I’ve had many dreams where strangers are involved or, well, Channing Tatum, but not like these. They are different. Very real. I do not control my dreams. So what’s the deal? This seems cruel to me.

 

   What about the other stuff that goes with moving on?  I do not know how to date.  I don't want to date.  I don't know how to kiss anyone else.  I might not be good at it.  What about way down the road,  how do I even think of someone touching me like only he has? I don't want to be alone,  but I'm scared of what it takes to find a partner in life. I am scared I'll die alone. I'm scared I'll get hurt again.

 

  When does the disappointment stop?  When will I stop being so mad about all of this?  I'm mad I have to date.  I'm mad I have to pay for my own health insurance,  (the form that asked if I was married). I'm mad I bought a house and car.  I'm mad that people don't understand how I feel and make me feel like a wet blanket.  

 

   What about this stupid heart? Why does it pound out of my chest when he is around? Doesn’t it know all that pain it has felt in the past several years was because of him?  Why wont it stop?  Just stop.

 

Just Crystal

Just Crystal        

In less than 72 hours I will no longer be married. When I check that little box on paperwork I no longer check the one that says married. I am no longer Mrs. I am not Adam and Crystal.  I am just Crystal.  I don’t know how, still after 8 months, to be just Crystal.

Just Crystal is sad and lonely.  Sure she has friends, AMAZING friends. Sure she has family, they too are pretty amazing. BUT (yes, there is always a but). But Just Crystal had dreams when she was little, when she was Roger and Bev’s daughter or Zac and Uriah’s sister. 

Little Crystal dreamed of marriage, babies, and well, cats!  Little Crystal wanted a family. Sure she talked of being a teacher and career options, but mostly that’s because all your life you are asked what you want to be when you grow up, and I didn’t think wife and mommy were acceptable career choices to the ones asking. I was to go to college and do something AND be wife and mommy.  Now the secret is out, when I was home with Anthony, not working, taking care of my boys, I was living my dream.  I went and worked, because, well I like stuff, and I messed up and let stuff be more important than my dream.

Teen Crystal had the same dream. She met a boy who seemed to adore her. He drove miles to see her as often as he could. He bought her random presents. A teddy bear on our first date. Earrings for my 13^th birthday, even though I had recently ‘dumped’ him. Blindfolded drives to go eat strawberries and drink sparkling cider at the park at sunset on a blanket. She found the one who would share in her dream to be wife and mommy.

At 18 I married him. I was so happy and in love. The wedding was not something to brag about, but I went with whatever, all I cared about was who was waiting at the end of the isle, and telling the world how much I love him and plan to for life.

20 days short of 14 years later my Always and Forever is done. And the only death that occurred was my ability to trust I can ever love like this again.

It has been asked how I still hold on to this hope for change? How many times can I forgive? I don’t know. I guess it’s the moments where he looks in my eyes and the man I love is there. I don’t see him often, but he is there, and I love him so much. As far as forgiveness goes, I suppose as long as I’m asking God for His I will be giving mine. Some see this as my weakness, and yes, I agree it does make me a bit of a door mat to be trampled on.  But how can I ask God to give me something I’m not willing to give?  I try my best to avoid those who require more forgiveness than others, because well, I hurt. I know by having certain people in my life I am asking to be hurt. I also believe that people can change. I have changed.   I am always changing.

I do not know what my future self looks like. Just Crystal is not sure about her dreams anymore. It’s hard to recover from crushed dreams. I still think the dream is still there, well, not really the plural part as far as babies go! I have one, and he is perfect the way he is, and I don’t know what I would do with a baby at this time in my life.  But as far as being a wife again? Maybe one day. I don’t know. When I think or have dreams about my future, Adam is still there. Maybe he always will be. Maybe I will be with him again one day down the road. Maybe I will always be ‘Just Crystal’, only God knows, and time will tell.  Until then, I ask anyone who is reading, please pray for me. I have to walk in those doors in a couple days, and I’m terrified!

 

I Lied…A little

   I have been asked a lot why I would be taking a sabbatical from Facebook.  Probably by people who are curious about what could be the newest drama in my life. No worries, no drama (involving Facebook). It has been all of 4 ½ days, with the exception of about 4 minutes, this weekend that I have been on the site.   The story, which is not all non-truth, is that I am on way too much and need to walk away for a minute, and I need to also prove to myself I really can live without it.  Well, I need to come clean and share the full truth.

   The full truth is, I am fasting.  Fasting, for me, is not always involving food.  Fasting for me is giving up something that has been like an idol of some sort in my life.  So, week after week I will be fasting these things that I have let be too important to me.  So, for the first two weeks of my fast I let go Facebook and pop, specifically Mt. Dew.  These two items consume my body and thoughts in more way than one, and I am putting them aside for now. 

  Other things I will give up will include TV and candy, any junk food really! Candy? Yes! It’s bad, I’m like a child! I have a love for skittles and red vines, well any licorice for that matter. I enjoy a bag of popcorn with a side of queso to dip it in (don’t knock it until you try it). I am about one visit away from being known by name at KFC because the cookie dough ice cream is so yummy!  I think by any full body pictures you can find of me, especially about a year ago, it is obvious I have a great relationship with food.

   This fast is not just to give things up to prove I can. This is fasting and praying. It is a spiritual journey. I have read a lot about fasting and it is usually associated with food. But why isolate it to that? I feel I have other things in my life coming between me and my spiritual growth that I need to put aside, or fast. I will not say I am giving up these things, just taking a healthy break and re-evaluating our relationships.

   I have read up lot on fasting and it is known to be one of the most powerful spiritual disciplines.    I am going through a lot in life and have come to learn that when I have felt so alone, and like I have no one to turn to, God is the best friend I have. I never feel any judgment, embarrassment or shame when I come to him with an honest open heart.  I do not have to explain things over and again, because He gets it.   I am in a crossroads, and feel I am plateauing in my spiritual walk, so I’m stepping it up, I don’t want to fall off to the wayside again.  This is the one thing that I know will give me the strength and courage to be the woman I am supposed to be.  To be truly and fully happy.

Obedience

Obedience

      Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you?  Like 6:46

 

   So, a few weeks after Adam left, I found God on my bathroom floor in a moment of extreme despair.    And since that moment I have been trying my best to listen and obey. I ask and in return I try to do what is asked of me.  I have found that asking and expecting to not have to do anything in return is not fair. 

   I have been shown God’s presence and He has had a way of letting me know my prayers are not falling on deaf ears. We had a night the wind was blowing ridiculously hard. My windows were rattling so hard, and I was afraid. I prayed to please make it stop to please not let any damage fall on my home.  Within minutes my windows stop rattling, but I could still hear the wind. It was like it was going on around my home rather than through it.   I have prayed for peace, and find that this is the first time I have live essentially alone, and I have not been afraid in my home since, with the exception of the night of the great Greeley earthquake.

   So all in all God has been hearing and answering prayer. So when I ask Him what I can do, what I need to do, how do I repay? Half ass, full heart and good intention. I first felt the day of the week that matches any meetings at the court house I need to spend fasting and praying. For the most part this has been a success. I have had a couple of imperfect days, but God and I talked about it.  The other thing I clearly heard Him to tell me to do, I have failed. Why? I guess this involves the fact that I am human, scared, insecure, and ashamed. 

  What is the other thing? Well, maybe I lost my mind a couple months ago, and maybe it never came back, but as clear as the face to face conversation you had earlier today with a co-worker or family member, I heard Him tell me to wear my ring.  So I put it on a necklace. That last a day and I said I did it, now what? He said no, wear your ring! So I did, well I took it a step further and wore his with mine. I did that a couple weeks. I saw the looks on people’s faces, felt eyes on my finger and was ashamed.  Embarrassed.  Why would I want to wear a ring that represents promises that have been broken? A marriage that is headed toward divorce? From a man who destroyed me, who crushed the very life I thought I would have for ‘Always and Forever?’  Why?   I wore it because God wanted me to trust Him and I let these thoughts and looks and feelings take over and I took it off.  Ever since, He has been laying it on my heart to put it back on. I dream about my ring. I see it and feel the tug in my heart.  So today I put it back on. I will obey and I will wear this until this divorce is final. This may or may not be about the marriage itself, but my part in the vows I spoke. I made a promise, and will wear this ring until it is over. Because I want to know I did what I said I would do. I also need to show God I trust Him, and I am willing to obey, even if it means my friends, family, and co-workers judging my actions. I don’t care what they think in regard to this particular matter. I will not have to answer to them.  I answer to Him, everyday.

My So Called Life...

My So Called Life...


   So, obviously a lot has happened in life, in my so called life, in the last few years. I'm really not going to get into the past, just focus on what I am going through today. I'll have to give a little background so you know how I got here, but mostly will be in the present.
   I feel my current status and daily feelings maybe hard for some of my even closest friends to understand these days, and I'm thinking if I lay it out, not only will it get things out of my head but give you a deeper understanding of me.  Also, there may be a reader or two in similar situations who may find comfort in knowing they are not alone in their feelings, and who knows I may inspire one or two....maybe.
  I do not want my return to blogging blog to be a really long one, so I will give a general background, and as the days go on we can really get into this.
  As most of my close friends and family (and a few extended) know, I am in the middle of a divorce.  I have been with my childhood sweetheart, as they call them, for more than half of my life, and now, for the first time in life I am on my own...ish.  I will explain the beginning the middle and you all can help me through the end of this life changing event.
  I imagine there are a couple of you rolling your eyes. Probably think this is some sort of cry for attention or a really bad idea for me to put it all out there, but I feel I need to do this, and if you do  not agree with it,  don't read any of my following post.
  If anyone is reading looking for me to talk crap about him, your not going to find what you are looking for, and if your looking for new juicy gossip, you will not find that here either.  I have no intention of dragging Adam through the mud. That is not what this is about, sorry. 
   So I have the intentions and disclaimers all out of the way, so, soon we will get this journey under way.