Grace...

I have been thinking about this a lot. I am told several times on a bi-weekly basis by my counselor “you need to give yourself some grace in that!”  Grace, in how I handle a lot of things.

  My struggle this week is being angry, and misdirection. My counselor said she wants to start discussing the stigma of divorce and well, me.  The fact is the word alone makes me mad,  when she said she wants to discuss this subject I got mad,  and I do not want to talk about it and have already thought up 100 reasons to miss my next appointment! I feel I am doing fairly well not thinking about it and pretending like the word alone doesn’t destroy a part of me, let alone discussing the subject and how it directly affects me.   I mean really, do I pay her for this?  Ok, I know this is exactly what I pay her for; I’m just not sure I’m ready to get into it.

  There is a stigma attached to that word. I realized it a couple weeks ago when I was listening to a message about Jesus and Divorce. I thought the message was good, but couldn’t get past the God hates divorce part. I have been struggling with these 3 words for several months now. I know there are ‘exceptions’ to this statement, but I also know the amount of faith and hope I placed on just the opposite of what actually happened in my life. Because if this I have misdirected a lot of anger to God and, even though I know He has this all under control, and knows better than me what is best for me, I still struggle with the why not us?  

  I know, because I have seen, and hear all the time of how God changes lives. How marriages are restored, broken relationships healed, and families reunited. I have seen firsthand how God can turn what seems to be a hopeless situation into 30+ years of marriage. I have seen addicts be freed from the bondage. I hear people’s testimonies of what are virtual miracles on a daily basis, and am left questioning what did I do wrong?  I know my crimes, and yet get mad because I am not sure the punishment quite fits. 

   In the upcoming week, as I perfect my escape plan for this appointment, I know that I will walk through those doors and start that conversation. I don’t want to dig into it, but know it will help with the healing process. I will need to practice this grace thing I’m sure.  I am positive this will be a lifelong practice

When is Enough Enough?

This life I am living is not mine. There is no way. No way there is so much pain surrounding so many I care about. I know I’m good at focusing on my own obvious situation, but Ill leave that out for today.

   I have so many friends dealing with huge life changing, even life and death situations. When will it stop? It is almost as things with me in a sense are at a plateau, and everyone else is at the start of the massive chaos I am just coming out of.

    How does one take care of a baby and a very ill parent all at the same time? Who imagines at the same time they are bringing in life they are helping another fight for theirs?  One minute a diaper the next a colostomy bag. One day you are celebrating the joy of new life, the next you learn one is in a massive fight for theirs, and both need you.  Need you to be what? Superwoman?  For how long?

   What about when you are in a fight with a parent or friend? Then you learn there is a life and death operation. What if your last exchange of words, that may not have been a pleasant exchange, are the last? How do you repair a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel they have done wrong, when you are hurting because of their words or actions?  Will there be healing before it’s too late?

   What about the mothers fighting for life? The mom’s who want to see their daughters at their prom. Their sons on their first dates.  Their graduation days. College. Weddings. Grandbabies. When will there be a cure for this deadly disease. An easy cure, not being gutted then blasted with radiation and chemo. Not only does one lose their health, but the cost of trying to live is everything you own, because medical care costs are outrageous! As if being sick wasn’t cost enough.

   What happened to for better or worse, sickness and health, forsaking all others, till death do us part? When did marriage become disposable? One spouse messes up and all our friends and family jump in and say get out. She will never change, he will never forgive you. What he did will ruin you and your children’s lives.  He is a cheater. She is a drunk.  I can’t change. I failed. I quit.   Someone made a comment that he saw an elderly couple at the store. He wanted to ask how they made it so long. I’m not sure, but I would guess that the answer could be because neither one of us gave up.  Why are we giving up? When did we stop trying?

   What if we all just gave up? Children would be orphaned. Marriage would not last. Families would be nonexistent. There would be no real friendships.  

   How do we see all this pain, illness, and broken relationships and get through it? When does it end? How long will it be until there is no chaos, no more tears, and no more loneliness?   We are to put our trust in God. If He brings us to it, He will bring us through it. I believe it. God knows what is best for us. I know.    Proverbs 3: 5-6 Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.   I’m trusting.  It’s hard.  When will enough be enough?

 

    Father I pray for those hurting today. The ones with complicated relationships, the ones with loved ones who are ill, for those fighting for life, Father bring healing, comfort and peace. Help us to see your will in all the things we are going through. Forgive us when we get angry and take it out on you. Forgive us for not casting our cares on you and trying to carry the load all on our own. Help us to know how to give it to you and walk away, to let go and let God as they say. Thank you for not giving up on us, for never leaving us alone, for carrying us through the hard times.  Love you!  ~Amen~

Gave it Away....

Some people understand breakups, heartache and even divorce. I’m not sure all fully understand my unique...ish situation.  Some of you know most, but maybe not all. So I am going to share some really personal information that will possibly shed a little light on my crazy emotions.

   You see, I am this shy, and introverted girl. I am a homebody, but do enjoy a night out, just not every night, and not really every weekend.  I am one who has more fingers on my hands than I can say I have real close friends. I am ok with this. I think I am better off with a few I know I can trust any and everything with, rather than have a hundred I wouldn’t give a house key to. 

   When I was 12 ish a boy came into my life, and little did I know I would never be the same. I fell in love.  I didn’t know what that meant then, but we grew together. We went through puberty together, he taught me to drive a stick shift, and well, everything else. At 14 I shared my first kiss with him. At 16 there was other stuff. At 18 we got married. Sure there were a few break ups, but for me, there were no other boyfriends. No other first kisses with anyone else. Well there was a drunken peck with a friend, but that, well ya, I do not count that! Lol!  No anything with anyone else. Oh, and before him, there was a ‘boyfriend’, we held hands, but I was way too scared to kiss him! So, now here I am at 30 something, and have only been kiss kissed by one man, one peck by another and some hand holding.  Yep. 

  Now I am single. Now one day, if I do not want to go through the rest of this life alone, I will need to date. I don’t know how to date! I will have to eventually kiss someone. What if I suck at kissing? And I do not even want to mention the other stuff!    I wonder who would want to date me. I’m short and squishy with a decent chest, and NO butt. I have an awful tan line and a bazillion stretch marks. I still have acne! Not like a crater face or anything, but still when does this stuff go away?!   I have morals, and am not easy. I have been hurt badly and am very insecure. I have a house and a car.   I have a dog and two cats. I have a son.   Who would want this mess? 

  I’m a wreck. It’s the week of our anniversary. 14 years we were almost married. Now what?  I still wonder if he misses me even half as much as I miss him. I wonder if it is him I really miss, or if I miss the companionship. A body next to me at night. The safety he gave me. I was not alone. The noises at night weren’t so noisy. The house wasn’t so empty. But, that’s all he was, a body. He wasn’t here, he left long before he moved out. I was too blind to see it.

   I do not really know if there is a point to any of this, but maybe it will help you understand why. Why I am still hanging on to my insane what if’s. Why I am so afraid. Why I still get mad and cry.  The only words that come to mind are from the movie Sweet Home Alabama, “The truth is I gave my heart away a long time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back.”   I don’t know if I will ever get it back, and that scares me.  A lot.

Sympathy?? No thank you!

I was advised that someone I know sees my Blogs are a cry for attention and that I am looking for sympathy, and maybe you are that person, or maybe you agree with this person. Well, I regret to inform you and/or this person they couldn’t be more wrong. I have never once wanted sympathy or pity from anyone. The looks I get are enough to make me want to literally jump off a cliff.  I need no one to feel sorry for me, NO ONE!

  Now empathy, that’s another story and maybe this person should learn the difference. Just in case one may be confused on the difference, I’ll share the textbook definition of both. 

         Sympathy…feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune       

         Empathy…the ability to understand and share the feelings of another

 

  In other words, I do not want you to feel sorry FOR me, I simply want you to feel WITH me and understand where I am coming from. To understand, not pity.  I write because I know that some have the exact feelings as me, and just do not know how to explain, or feel they are alone in their feelings until they read what I wrote and see, maybe they are not so alone. I write not just so others can feel with me, but so others know I am feeling with them.

 

   I suppose this can be considered a disclaimer for an upcoming post I have wrote and delete about a dozen times because it is hard to explain the feelings I currently have.  So, please understand I do not want your pity. I am not seeking the attention of others or looking for someone to reach out to me in my time of need or whatever. I am simply empathizing and going through these feelings with someone. It may be you, it may not be.  All I ask is for understanding and not criticism and judgment.  If it is you who is going through these feelings with me, know you are not alone, and anytime you need to talk I am here. I may not have the right things to say, but I have good ears, and sometimes that is all a person needs, is someone to just listen and understand.

Tripping....

     So,  I have had a lot on my mind this week.  A lot of things going on all around me.  Major life changing events.   Cancer. Cardiac procedures. Arrests. Betrayal.  Heart break.

    It's hard to not only have front row seats to see my family and friends go through things that seem so impossible,  but feeling so helpless when all you want to do is help.  Someone said all 'I can do is pray for them' when he too was expressing how helpless he feels.  Pray.

     I have been praying a lot, A LOT, over the past few months and really intensely at times.  I'm sorry to say I have felt it to be in vain at times. Sometimes I see the answer.  Others it has just felt like an out right "No!"

  I do not know how to handle the "No!" I understand sometimes God removes certain people and removes us from certain situations because He knows beget than I. I also in my human head know that there are people who have received the very same miracles I feel turned down from. 

   I have prayed for others and have seen answers there, a yes.  Is that because of my faith or theirs? 
  
    Have I received a"No!" In the areas I feel defeated or am I  supposed to keep asking and waiting? 

    With these thoughts in mind I tripped over this blog;

 

 http://theprayingwoman.com/2013/01/18/have-you-been-waiting-for-god-to-answer/ 

Maybe that's my answer?  Is just like God to put something like this under my feet to trip me up, to catch my attention, help me get back on track when I am straying away in the wrong direction.