As Sorta Requested..

     It has been a long time since I have written anything outside of my personal prayer journal, and school work. So here goes…

     Yes, school work was stated in the previous paragraph. I am currently halfway through my second full time semester at Missouri Western State University. I am working toward a Bachelors with a major in business management. I would love one day to own my own business. I have about 20 different business ideas, and really should narrow it down to like 5 before graduation! Also, while sitting in these business classes I also debate owning vs. managing. But no decisions need to be made today.

  As you all probably know when I am not in school I also enjoy spending some time in the best Crossfit gym here in Saint Joseph! I have made a lot of gains in my physical fitness his last 12 months, however, to be honest, I’ve been in a real rut for the last few months, and especially the last few weeks. I keep saying I need to get back on track, and I will. One day.  Maybe tomorrow.  I also am really happy with my new church family here. Adam and I are slowly making new friends, but find that it is not an easy thing to do. I feel responsible for that since I am so guarded and pretty introverted. 

   Anthony is great! We had parent teacher conferences last night. He has a good report card, and his teacher is happy to have him in her class. All of his math and reading has improved over the school year, math more so than reading, but that is normal for him, math is his strong area and reading/writing are his weaknesses. Anthony has been in Crossfit for several months, and just started karate, which he loves. 

   Adam is busy! This time of year is the busiest at work with all the stores stocking up their garden centers. We also are finishing our unfinished basement, so his work is never complete! We have been cutting drywall, making electricity, and learning we have different (very different) ideas on how we want the basement to look, BUT also are mastering the art of compromise! Adam and I are also teaching a Sunday School class for 2-3 year olds one Sunday a month. It’s fun! It’s great to be able to live with and work beside my best friend.  

  I will try to not let so much time pass before my next posting. I do have some stuff I could really get out of my head, but today is not the right time for that. So...

You Moved Where?!?

Hey people reading! 

    It’s been awhile! I've moved to Missouri, am with my family as it should be, am a student, and a few pounds lighter!  

   I won't get into the deep details of Adam and my relationship status, but know after a long, trying and incredibly rough year, we are together and we are happy. We have our moments, but who doesn't? We fight for, support, and love each other like we never have before. Many people were hurt in different ways with our move, but it was the best thing for our family.  The distance from our loved ones is hard at times, but the distance between the two of us on CO was greater.   I want anyone reading this who is going through it in their relationships, to pray, pray, pray. God is the reason we are where we are. I read back in my journal from last year and it was prayer after prayer for restoration. And there were times where I gave up and prayed to just get over it, but God had a plan, some days I'm still trying to figure out when it will all come full circle, but I am grateful every day for Him putting my family back together.  

    Since moving here, I did a job at the hospital for a couple weeks, hated it, did some real soul searching and decided to quit putting money first, and reach for my real dream. I want to own my own business. I always have, but did not know what kind. I had major baby love, and wanted a baby/children boutique type place, got over that and went to Whimsy, a paint and sip and thought it was bad ass, and I could SO do that, BUT, after volunteering at a cozy cafe in Greeley, I realized I'd LOVE to open one of my own.  It's been almost a year now since I have felt this way, which beats all the other thoughts, and I get SO excited when I think about the cool things I want to do, so I think this is the right way to go. So, step one in obtaining this dream is going to school, and getting my Business Management degree, then go from there. Also, post a million pins to my board in Pinterest with cute coffee cups and decorating ideas!

    Since our move here Adam and I have taken on Crossfit together! He has been an on again off again Crossfitter for a few years, and I tried it once, but we now are on again, up to 5 days a week, totally addicted Crossfitters!  I still have my struggles with food, but am a constant work in progress! I am down almost 20 pounds since moving here! I can do things I never imagined me doing like back squatting 100lbs, dead-lifting 170lbs, and a box jump! I have taken my 12 minute mile from last year down to about a 10. I feel good!  

    Anthony is doing well here. He is also in Crossfit, not sure he is as in love with it as I am, but he goes. He is going into the 4th grade in fall and is happy to FINALLY be on summer break! He will have a super busy summer with travels to FL, CO, and WA. We also look forward to a couple CO friends coming out to see us.  Anthony and I like to go down to the Missouri river where we spot turtles in the river bank, explore a pond that was full of tadpoles before the snakes moved in, but he likes watching the snakes. I miss the tadpoles! Lol! And look forward to other adventures in this new town. 

   All in all Missouri isn't leaving us in misery! We are making friends slowly but surely, and are living life for today, not someday.  

Love you people! Till next post, take care of yourselves!! 

Easy Is For The Weak

     I find myself asking well, myself, and/or God on a daily basis, at times multiple times a day, "why can't just one thing be easy?" The last 3 months of my life have been like a storm. I was talking to Adam some and it snowballed from there, we started to date and he told me he was applying for jobs out of state. We went together to an interview in Missouri and before I knew it, there was a job offer and we made the decision to move together and start a new life, together.  Everything happened fairly seamlessly.He was offered the job with a higher title than applied for, we looked at 15-20 houses when we were out the weekend of his interview, loved the first house we saw, placed an offer on it, and in spite of the dealings of working with the V.A. we closed on the house before the end of 2014. We loaded all our belongings and moved this little family from Greeley, CO to Saint Joseph, MO the day after Christmas. 
      Sounds pretty simple, however Adam and my split a year ago and all I/we went through should probably have been enough to convince anyone we were finished for good. Not only that, but the events of the year made some people grow to hate me and some to hate Adam. This being said, telling friends, family, and co-workers about us was not an easy task. I knew it wouldn't be, however I didn't  think it would all be as difficult. I didn't know I could loose someone who I have considered a great friend for a really long time. Time and distance was always an issue with us, but my choosing Adam hurt people and I understand. I also hope in time friendships, if they were meant to stay that way, will be mended.
      I have lived in north, north/east Colorado all but the first 4 years of life, which I really have no memory of.  I knew leaving would be hard, but it has been so much more difficult than I thought, emotionally. I know all of two people here, and they are the two I live with. I cannot just drive down the highway to see my nieces. I can't just ask Hazel to watch Anthony this weekend so we can have a date night. I don't know when we will have a date night again. I missed the birth of my god-son this week. The closest thing I had to a sister, my friend of approx.21 years may be becoming a mama this year, and I'm going to try my hardest to be there as much as possible when the time comes, but I cannot just be there whenever I or she wants/needs. That makes me sad.  Also navigating this town has been frustrating, it's sad when a drive to Pizza Hut that is literally two miles away turns into a near 40 minute ordeal ending with a breakdown. I do not know this town, it's really simple and also complicated all at the same time. I'm adjusting and can get where I need to go, most days, with out my friend, GPS. 
       Anthony has adjusted well. He really likes his school, is making friends, and smiles a lot. He used to worry all the time, he'd worry about really random things like having to give up his beloved stuffed animals, or how we were paying bills (not that I ever had a problem doing so, and if I did, would never mention to him) he would just worry. I have not heard him nor has he asked about any irrational concerns like before. He is simply Anthony, the boy he was before the split. Any struggles Anthony related are really my own as his mom. I worry I am failing him. I moved him what feels like a bagillion miles away from his best friends, and here there is one boy down the street he plays with, but in my opinion, he is 10,000 less cool than Alex. Also, the teacher he has is not Mr.Y, not even close. I feel I am failing in the areas of education. I know nothing about his school really, and feel they are on a higher level than where he was in Greeley, I mean should a third grader be figuring out problems like 64/24 or 72/30?? He was still working on his multiplication table back in Greeley. Also he is not at the level they want him to be in reading, but this is not new to us. Reading is something we will be at or just below grade level until he just isn't. We read and read and read,I have been told that is all we can do to help him improve. This being a mom thing is not easy.
       I spent a lot of time convincing myself I was done with Adam. I convinced myself I could move on, and tried. The fact is, my words said one thing, but my journals and prayers show different.  I never did give up on this family. I never stopped loving him. He would piss me off like no one in the world ever could, but at the same time he was all I wanted.  I know I can be on my own. I know it is possible to love another, I know I do not need to be with Adam to be happy.  I also know I feel safe with Adam, I feel loved, I feel happy, I feel complete. He has been my partner in life for 19 years. He is the one person, no matter how angry I was with him, that when something happened in my day I wanted to call. I wanted to share with.  He is my best friend. We have only each other here, we are growing here, growing in our faith, developing a new friendship based on honesty and trust. We support each other through the good days and the bad.  It is not easy, it's really hard, but the sayings are right, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, and God will not give you anything you cannot handle. We survived this year, we found our way back to each other, and now we look forward to the future. We have dreams and goals and look forward to our future.
    So, I'm seeing a pattern in life that answers the question of "why can't just one thing be easy?" and that is because He is just trying to make me stronger. Easy is for the weak, God has not and will not  give me anything I cannot handle!

Livin' and Lovin'

      One Year ago this week, I purchased a house. Four weeks later I was left to care for this place alone. I often wonder why. Why did I buy a house? Why wasn’t I told before the purchase, “hey, you might not want to do this, because in a few weeks I am going to leave you?”  Sometimes, and really more often than not I do love my home. Then there are times, like when I’m cleaning up the yard, watering, spraying and praying that the overly ginormous spiders don not try and make a home here as well, I get really angry. REALLY ANGRY!  I was not supposed to buy this house to take care of it alone. It’s too big for just me and Anthony. I cannot afford it on my own.  When I am trouble shooting my friend, the lawn mower, or figuring out where the leak is in the washer or calling someone to look at the furnace, all I can think is WHY?!? All this makes me so mad and takes every ounce of self control to NOT pick up my phone and extend some very angry thoughts to someone.

     My question, also, is what is God’s plan? Why did I end up with this house?  Each day that passes I feel less and less connected to this town.  I came here for him. I love his family, but it’s not the same without him. I am trying to meet new people, but don’t feel a fit. Most of the friends we shared are gone. I went back to my home town a few weekends ago and had the most amazing time with my nieces. I have not laughed so hard and had my heart filled with such love and joy in such a long time. We laid on the sidewalk and star gazed, ate pizza, talked about life, and boys.  Its home with them, but I had to go home to this house and it was so hard to go knowing where I was going.  I miss so much being down the road form everyone there. The ‘hey, I have an appointment can you grab this kid today, and I will take yours next time’ and the ‘you, me, beer, chips, NOW!’  And everything in between.  Sometimes I really want to go home.  And sometimes I am really glad to be away from there. It’s a battle I’ll likely go through forever.

  It’s been an eye opening month I guess.  I find I am doing more than I thought I would be 10 months ago. If you told me 10 months ago that I would wake up and go to bed happy almost every day, that I would be a barista in a coffee house, that I would be genuinely content with most all aspects of my life, or that someone would tell me I am a strong woman and I would believe them, I would have laughed and thought ya right! Still not fully on board with the strong part, but most days I see it.

   I am still a work in progress and try to keep going outside of my comfort zone and meet new people and hold on tight to the ones I have. I try to find a piece of joy in everyday. Living and loving, cause why not!?  

A Time to Wait

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Waiting, something I know plenty about, and a word that has been lingering for a few days and hit me like a soft brick this morning.  I got up early, mostly because I was panicked about my new hair color, and looked in the mirror and liked it about ten times more than when I went to bed, Thank God!  But I couldn't fall back to sleep so I turned on K Love and the D.J.'s were talking about times of waiting.  Then I went to the bathroom for the morning routine, shower, makeup, hair, and this song came on;

http://youtu.be/cH9LhNrXhFo

Then I got on Facebook and the first thing was a blog about Waiting on God's timing. Yep, soft brick!  I've been praying for His timing for certain things in my life, and have felt He has finally starting putting some things into place. I have a couple things coming up this month that I am praying will open some doors for me. I think my time of waiting is coming to an end. And the doors that are opening may not all be things I would have seen myself doing, ever. But not all change is bad, and new experiences are not necessarily bad ones. I am praying with these new things that God will give me an open heart and mind and I will not be so hesitant to let people in! Gods plans for me I know are bigger than mine, and I am diving in whole heartedly, and fully expecting amazing things for the end of this year!

That’s right 2014! You have not won yet! You have been quite the jerk, but it’s not over! And you will not go down as the worst year ever! I won’t let you!! I’m taking my life by the horns and anything/one that gets in God and my way better watch out!! J

Grace...

I have been thinking about this a lot. I am told several times on a bi-weekly basis by my counselor “you need to give yourself some grace in that!”  Grace, in how I handle a lot of things.

  My struggle this week is being angry, and misdirection. My counselor said she wants to start discussing the stigma of divorce and well, me.  The fact is the word alone makes me mad,  when she said she wants to discuss this subject I got mad,  and I do not want to talk about it and have already thought up 100 reasons to miss my next appointment! I feel I am doing fairly well not thinking about it and pretending like the word alone doesn’t destroy a part of me, let alone discussing the subject and how it directly affects me.   I mean really, do I pay her for this?  Ok, I know this is exactly what I pay her for; I’m just not sure I’m ready to get into it.

  There is a stigma attached to that word. I realized it a couple weeks ago when I was listening to a message about Jesus and Divorce. I thought the message was good, but couldn’t get past the God hates divorce part. I have been struggling with these 3 words for several months now. I know there are ‘exceptions’ to this statement, but I also know the amount of faith and hope I placed on just the opposite of what actually happened in my life. Because if this I have misdirected a lot of anger to God and, even though I know He has this all under control, and knows better than me what is best for me, I still struggle with the why not us?  

  I know, because I have seen, and hear all the time of how God changes lives. How marriages are restored, broken relationships healed, and families reunited. I have seen firsthand how God can turn what seems to be a hopeless situation into 30+ years of marriage. I have seen addicts be freed from the bondage. I hear people’s testimonies of what are virtual miracles on a daily basis, and am left questioning what did I do wrong?  I know my crimes, and yet get mad because I am not sure the punishment quite fits. 

   In the upcoming week, as I perfect my escape plan for this appointment, I know that I will walk through those doors and start that conversation. I don’t want to dig into it, but know it will help with the healing process. I will need to practice this grace thing I’m sure.  I am positive this will be a lifelong practice

When is Enough Enough?

This life I am living is not mine. There is no way. No way there is so much pain surrounding so many I care about. I know I’m good at focusing on my own obvious situation, but Ill leave that out for today.

   I have so many friends dealing with huge life changing, even life and death situations. When will it stop? It is almost as things with me in a sense are at a plateau, and everyone else is at the start of the massive chaos I am just coming out of.

    How does one take care of a baby and a very ill parent all at the same time? Who imagines at the same time they are bringing in life they are helping another fight for theirs?  One minute a diaper the next a colostomy bag. One day you are celebrating the joy of new life, the next you learn one is in a massive fight for theirs, and both need you.  Need you to be what? Superwoman?  For how long?

   What about when you are in a fight with a parent or friend? Then you learn there is a life and death operation. What if your last exchange of words, that may not have been a pleasant exchange, are the last? How do you repair a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel they have done wrong, when you are hurting because of their words or actions?  Will there be healing before it’s too late?

   What about the mothers fighting for life? The mom’s who want to see their daughters at their prom. Their sons on their first dates.  Their graduation days. College. Weddings. Grandbabies. When will there be a cure for this deadly disease. An easy cure, not being gutted then blasted with radiation and chemo. Not only does one lose their health, but the cost of trying to live is everything you own, because medical care costs are outrageous! As if being sick wasn’t cost enough.

   What happened to for better or worse, sickness and health, forsaking all others, till death do us part? When did marriage become disposable? One spouse messes up and all our friends and family jump in and say get out. She will never change, he will never forgive you. What he did will ruin you and your children’s lives.  He is a cheater. She is a drunk.  I can’t change. I failed. I quit.   Someone made a comment that he saw an elderly couple at the store. He wanted to ask how they made it so long. I’m not sure, but I would guess that the answer could be because neither one of us gave up.  Why are we giving up? When did we stop trying?

   What if we all just gave up? Children would be orphaned. Marriage would not last. Families would be nonexistent. There would be no real friendships.  

   How do we see all this pain, illness, and broken relationships and get through it? When does it end? How long will it be until there is no chaos, no more tears, and no more loneliness?   We are to put our trust in God. If He brings us to it, He will bring us through it. I believe it. God knows what is best for us. I know.    Proverbs 3: 5-6 Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.   I’m trusting.  It’s hard.  When will enough be enough?

 

    Father I pray for those hurting today. The ones with complicated relationships, the ones with loved ones who are ill, for those fighting for life, Father bring healing, comfort and peace. Help us to see your will in all the things we are going through. Forgive us when we get angry and take it out on you. Forgive us for not casting our cares on you and trying to carry the load all on our own. Help us to know how to give it to you and walk away, to let go and let God as they say. Thank you for not giving up on us, for never leaving us alone, for carrying us through the hard times.  Love you!  ~Amen~