One Year ago this week, I purchased a
house. Four weeks later I was left to care for this place alone. I often wonder
why. Why did I buy a house? Why wasn’t I told before the purchase, “hey, you
might not want to do this, because in a few weeks I am going to leave you?” Sometimes, and really more often than not I do
love my home. Then there are times, like when I’m cleaning up the yard,
watering, spraying and praying that the overly ginormous spiders don not try and
make a home here as well, I get really angry. REALLY ANGRY! I was not supposed to buy this house to take
care of it alone. It’s too big for just me and Anthony. I cannot afford it on
my own. When I am trouble shooting my
friend, the lawn mower, or figuring out where the leak is in the washer or
calling someone to look at the furnace, all I can think is WHY?!? All this
makes me so mad and takes every ounce of self control to NOT pick up my phone
and extend some very angry thoughts to someone.
My
question, also, is what is God’s plan? Why did I end up with this house? Each day that passes I feel less and less
connected to this town. I came here for
him. I love his family, but it’s not the same without him. I am trying to meet
new people, but don’t feel a fit. Most of the friends we shared are gone. I went
back to my home town a few weekends ago and had the most amazing time with my
nieces. I have not laughed so hard and had my heart filled with such love and
joy in such a long time. We laid on the sidewalk and star gazed, ate pizza,
talked about life, and boys. Its home
with them, but I had to go home to this house and it was so hard to go knowing
where I was going. I miss so much being
down the road form everyone there. The ‘hey, I have an appointment can you grab
this kid today, and I will take yours next time’ and the ‘you, me, beer, chips,
NOW!’ And everything in between. Sometimes I really want to go home. And sometimes I am really glad to be away from
there. It’s a battle I’ll likely go through forever.
It’s been an eye opening month I guess. I find I am doing more than I thought I would
be 10 months ago. If you told me 10 months ago that I would wake up and go to
bed happy almost every day, that I would be a barista in a coffee house, that I
would be genuinely content with most all aspects of my life, or that someone would
tell me I am a strong woman and I would believe them, I would have laughed and
thought ya right! Still not fully on board with the strong part, but most days
I see it.
I am still a work in progress and try to
keep going outside of my comfort zone and meet new people and hold on tight to
the ones I have. I try to find a piece of joy in everyday. Living and loving,
cause why not!?
